Part I The God Letter!
This letter came to me in a vision! Auditory hallucination, more accurately, but that hardly sounds… biblical… but it came to me in the form of a slow clear voice whispering like a groaning tree in my ear as I struggled (as usual) to get to sleep. While it was happening it felt very real to me, the air around me seemed to pulse and crackle with energy and my body felt as if it were vibrating. Despite this, the truth is, that the fact that this letter came to me in this fashion is almost meaningless, this is just how my imagination has always worked. My creative output is as often as not the result of some intrusive sensory glitch(?). I mention this only to say the following:
- My visions are real and profound to me, but I know they are not real.
- I am comfortable sharing them in my opinion based blog.
- They are similar to weird declarations about God using earthquakes to move oil veins closer to Barbados inasmuch as no such nonsense belongs in a national news publication.
- I am puzzled by the hopeful tone of the letter… but it’s probably nothing…
- Apparently I can’t help being snide
I am deeply troubled and, quite frankly, slightly offended by the recent (officially sanctioned) call for prayer and silence in response to the most recent spate of violence in Barbados. It with a heavy heart and weary mind that I write* this letter to you, but I am compelled by the feeling that not to do so would be to renege on my (albeit self-designated) responsibility to our tiny little nation. I am after all, as many are at pains to point out every hurricane season, a Bajan. And while “Bajan” is by no stretch of even the most elastic imagination, the only nationality I can claim, as a Bajan I want only the best for my Barbados.
I vacillated about writing this letter for several days because, as I’m sure you can appreciate, I am loath to create the misperception that I am in some way anti-prayer. It should come as no surprise to you that I like prayer… that’s why I invented it. Before I go any further I do want to point out that, while I don’t want to appear to be anti-prayer I have no such concerns regarding appearing anti-moments of silence. In fact I am unabashedly anti-moments of silence. What the hell (pardon me) are you calling for a moment of silence for? The absolute last thing Barbados needs regarding our violent crime is yet more silence.
But I digress, I was saying, I like prayer, I understand how prayer can be valuable. I appreciate that violence is terrifying and prayer can afford many great comfort. Also, while I’m not saying that I’m above (pardon the pun) a miracle or two (more on this later) isn’t it reasonable to expect that I too must have faith in man? Is it too much to imagine that, as you’re made in my image and all, that I would hope (have faith) that you would be discerning and proactive enough to use the sense of community that prayer often engenders as a starting point … as a place to truly think about what is causing the violence, truly think about it… not hide behind convenient myths and comfortable clichés. I would think that, as you have the attention of so many people of like mind, you would at the very least start a meaningful conversation about violent crime in Barbados … is that too much to ask?! Instead I have to listen to people proclaiming that since the few days of prayer they’ve “noticed a decrease in crime”. Let me tell you something!! I had nothing to do with that, what happened there (as I’m sure some of you are recognizing now) was a lull. It was a mathematical inevitability… that’s how nature works… things ebb and flow… I ought to know! And the other day I read in the papers (before you say anything…I don’t have to read the papers…I know the news before it happens, but I like reading) some idiot saying that people need to double down and pray and fast!!!! STOP IT!
I didn’t create this problem, I’m not fixing it… you can pray and fast until you ascend to the glorious incoherence of glossolalia or until I come back come back for all I care (and I’m seriously considering not returning) I’m NOT fixing this!
I have to tell you, and this may come as a surprise to some of you… I like prayer… but sometimes I’m sorry I invented it… it has turned out to be more of a nuisance than the devil.
There really is no gentle way to put this…
GOOD ME MAN!!!
I don’t get it! I could have made you in three seconds?!! Three seconds!! I who can manipulate the structure of atoms, I who can control the very fabric of time, I who made the glue that holds reality together… human beings aren’t that complicated… trust me! A head, two arms, two legs, bubbies for some, balls for some, some get both, some get none, basic internal organs… done! I could have done that in the blink of an eye… but no! I took my good time and I crafted free will, and intelligence and imagination to give to you. Do you even appreciate how subtle and complex a gift that is? Or how much effort it took to make? It’s because of free will that I decided to rest for a whole day.
Why do you think I would go to such great lengths, give myself so much work??? Precisely so you WOULDN’T have to bother me for every blasted thing!!! God do this, god do that, god stop the violence, god fix the economy, Jesus take the wheel, lord come for your world… ME DAMMIT!!! And… while I’m venting… STOP PICKING ON MY BOY! Why is it that every time there’s a crisis you’se got to bring up Jesus? Talking about, one, “the people have turned away from Jesus! We need more Jesus in the schools…” really? Jesus is in the schools every morning at assembly, the place is peppered with Christian youth groups… what more you want from the boy??! How about courses in problem solving and conflict resolution? Huh? How about that??! And how can you reasonably claim that people have turned away from Jesus? All you have to do is listen to yourselves on any given day… calling out for Jesus all day… every stumped toe, lost car key… orgasm!!! It’s all we hear up here…”Jesus Christ… Jesus Christ…”
Sorry I got a little… wrathed there…
What I’m saying is… for my sake use your ME given initiative. I really did put a lot of time and effort into it, it works… trust me. You have to stop humbugging me… have you ever asked yourselves why I stopped doing big flashy miracles like parting seas and talking donkeys? In those days people took the initiative. Moses didn’t pray for me to stop the Egyptian man from beating Hebrews he bust loose the man’s head and buried him in the sand (probably not the best example I could have used given the context... but you get the point). I hadn’t invented the internet yet as a result Moses couldn’t google, “how to organize a mass exodus”, so I spoke to him directly. When I parted the red sea the people were prepared to walk… I often think that if I were to do such today you lot would immediately start praying for airconditioned buses to take you across… there’s a reason your old people used to say “God helps those who help themselves.”
You can’t seriously expect me to come all the way from heaven just to fix simple problems that I’ve already given you the ability to solve. You can do it… have some faith man.
Obviously I didn’t inspire this letter… this is nothing more than a writer’s cynical use of a literary device to communicate an idea. If you’re offended remember it’s satire, that’s how it works, it’s not too mysterious the ways in which satire and metaphor perform.
(I really, really can’t help being snide 😊)**